Money signals worth noticing early

Dating after 40 or 50 usually means two people with their own history: a mortgage, children, a pension, maybe an old debt. That's normal. What tells you more than any number is how money is handled between you: whether it's talked about openly, whether it's even-handed, and whether it comes back when it's borrowed.

None of the items below proves anything on its own. Plenty of people go through a tight patch, and being careful with money is a good thing. The checklist is about patterns that repeat.

Asking without accusing

A money conversation goes better when it's about one specific thing and how you'd like it to work. A few ways to start:

• "I lent you £300 in June. Can we agree when that comes back?"
• "I'd like us to take turns paying, or split things. Which would you prefer?"
• "When I ask about money you seem to close down. Is there something going on I should know?"

How someone responds to a calm, fair question tells you a lot. Openness, even about a hard situation, is a good sign. Anger or guilt-tripping is worth noting in your log.

When it's more than a habit

Controlling someone's access to money, running up debt in their name, or pressuring them to hand over money is recognised as economic or financial abuse. US and UK support organisations, listed below, explain the signs and offer confidential help.

Want a wider view? The free 7-question relationship clarity quiz takes about three minutes and looks at the relationship as a whole, not one habit. Nothing is stored or sent anywhere.